A Sad Time Moment

Okay, okay. It's time I got down and dirty. The past week or so has been one of those ongoing, philosophical montages through my head about what purpose my life will serve and what I'm going to do about it. I have had many down moments that have turned me into a sappy ole teenager again, dwindling away in my room wondering why my friends are my friends, and why they aren't what they seem to be. I have a trust issue, and it's been a part of me since I was a young child. I am feeling lost now, more than ever though. I am waiting for a sign that will tell me what is it I need to do, and who it is I can trust. This is the most uncomfortable feeling a person can  have I think. Doubt. Uncertainty. Maybe it's due to the fact that I haven't been losing any more weight. I have officially reached a standstill, and it's making me feel like crap. There is only one thing that I can be certain about, aside from my family and my friends (who sometimes, I'll honestly be just as unsure about as a stranger roaming the streets at night). I can be certain about the person I am in this present moment. I'm a dreamer. I have things that I want to accomplish. When I have a sad time moment like this though, it's difficult to believe that those dreams will ever be within reach. It's almost as if I can see them so close, but not close enough to grasp hold of them.

I'm heading to the gym in hopes of being able to release some of these stresses and have a happy time moment.

"Spitting Fire" by The Boxer Rebellion

I <3 them, dearly


Love and all that,
l

No Change, No Gain

When I sprained my foot a month ago, I thought that I would be good as new in just a few short weeks. Not the case at all. I have heard many stories about sprained ankles and feet. The healing process is absurd! I might not fully recover for months, even years! I have decided that I'm not going to let it hinder my weight loss goal. I haven't gained any weight since my injury, but my eating habits have gone downhill, and my exercise-minimal to say the least. Thus, I realize I must have lost muscle mass and gained fat. Bleh. I'm going to the gym today and am going to take it easy. I don't want to strain my foot too much, but I need to start making a change somehow and lose weight. I think I may have been using my injury as a crutch, and it's about time I stop! I remember what it was like when I first shed all of that weight, and I want to feel that like again. I think I just expect it to happen, and realize that I actually have to put effort into it. Please send me good vibes!


And now for some tunes.

I can't stop listening to this! It's just so darn catchy.

"Super Bass" by Nicki Minaj

Boombadoomboom,

l

On The Wagon

I fell off for a short period of time, but I a feeling very, very positive right now. Today I found a skirt that I absolutely adore. I bought it. The thing is...I put it on and felt very comfortable in it...but I just know that my parents are going to point how poufy and frumpy it makes me look. I have lost some muscle mass and gained some fat since spraining my foot. Tomorrow, I am planning on going back to the gym and I'm hoping that I will start back into my old routine again. It has been awhile though, and I'm not quite sure how much strength my foot has, but I just feel so gross and fatty haha. So that is the plan for tomorrow!

I also bought a purse and a top. I'm so excited to wear them later this week!


I have a very busy week ahead of me, but I'm looking forward to every moment of it :)


Although this isn't the most cheery song, the tempo is so upbeat. It also raises awareness about youth violence, specifically gun violence among youths.

"Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster the People

Remember to always support those who you love, and even those who you don't love. You never know who's day you will brighten with a gesture of endearment...and in turn change make a difference in his of her life. 

Love and all that, 

l

Token Fat Friend

This week has been fantastic!...for the most part. I have had the luxury of spending my days with my dear friends. Kristen who is a little over 7 months pregnant is looking very round. Her pregnant belly is growing so much these days, and it's so exciting. Her two boys are about 2 1/2 pounds each already! I can't imagine how big she will be nearing the end of her pregnancy.

I also got to see one of my very best friends this weekend! I love that girl. It was wonderful to see her! I only get to see her about 2-3 times a year and every visit we have the best time. I always wish that she could stay longer and her next visit never seems to come soon enough. Fortunately she will be back soon...but not soon enough.

I have a few things to look forward to though. In a couple of weeks I will be going to see my friends graduate. I always have a good time with them. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't come back even more injured than I already am. It will be great just to get away though for a few days and be on my own even if it's just for a couple days. I'm also looking forward to going to the gym soon. I'm hoping within one or two more weeks. I haven't gained any weight since I sprained my ankle, but I know that I'm definitely gaining fat :/ The good news is that I am now just about 33% of the way to reaching my end goal weight! I can't believe it. I don't think many people have noticed that I have even lost weight, but I do have a long way to go. I just feel great (minus the time between the injury and now) and I'm hoping that I can really continue this routine. Even with such a long gap, this is something that I want more than anything. I think that losing weight will somehow validate...well me as a person, as a daughter.....I know that sounds weird, but honestly. I don't know what my friends think of me. Am I that token fat friend to all the people who know me? I just don't know sometimes. But I don't want to spend my time wondering. It's thoughts such as these that keep me going. I will slip up occasionally, and even let myself indulge in a little yummy, fatty goodness that the culinary world has to offer. However, let me make this clear, I am in this for the long run. I will achieve my goal and I will achieve it in a timely manner. I have to do this to prove to myself that...well I guess that I can be who I want to be with enough work, sweat, determination, and will power. I've been thinking of myself as this weak person who is incapable of accomplishing things that have yet to be even considered.

I have always accepted the fact that I'm going to be a big girl. And I realize that I don't have to be. I have a goal, and to be honest, as I near it further and further, I will probably continue to increase that goal, because I will know that I can do it.

This has turned into more of a ramble than I had anticipated. But please wish me luck and send me good vibes.

I will be on an indefinite hiatus from this blog. I will try to drop in from time to time. And hopefully when I do, I will bring only news of success.

"Lights" by Ellie Goulding. enjoy :)

Love and all that,

l

Yes, Hello?

Hello!? Yes, I am here!

I realize that it has been quite some time since my last post. I cannot believe how badly I have been about updating my blog...but as per usual, life has happened. Initially I discontinued posting because I had gained weight, and then continued to plateau...I have since been out of town, and sprained my ankle :/ Needless to say, it has been a little while since my last gym visit. I have however managed to maintain my weight. I went back to visit some college friends for about 5 days, and didn't gain a single pound! woohoo! And since I have been doing nothing but elevating my foot 24/7 I have fluctuated about 1 pound gain or loss per day...but I do not weigh anymore than before I left for my mini trip, so I am very please about that. As of right now I am 31% of the way to reaching my goal! Very Exciting. Although, my goal does continue to change as I lose more weight...I keep adding about 5 more pounds to my goal haha (which keeps me motivated, I think..hopefully not the opposite).


I'm hoping to get back into the gym by the end of this week. I am going to be saving up all of my energy so that I can stay with my cousin this week. I haven't seen her in about 2 1/2 weeks now! I bet she's grown so much.. that generally seems to be the case each week I see her. I also have an orientation on Thursday and I need to be able to make a good impression then. I'm so looking forward to this week!


One of my best friends is coming into town and it will be to catch up with her! We're planning a ladies night of food and gossip, and yes, hopefully a drink or two :) I'll be sure to update as the week continues.

Oooh, there are just too many good songs that I have been listening to this week. Hmm...we'll start with this one:

Boyce Avenue and Kina Grannis "Fast Car"

I recently had the pleasure of seeing Kina Grannis live. She is wonderful!

Love and all that,
l

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

I've been thinking about what I'm doing wrong and why I seem to lose weight, plateau, lose weight, gain weight, plateau, lose weight...etc. I think that I've been approaching weight loss from all the wrong directions. I am constantly taking this one day at a time, and while that has its benefits, I need to keep reminding myself that this is for the long-term effects, and it's going to take longer than I may want or expect it to. I wanted to drop about 50 pounds by this December. Though I think that this is reasonable, I also have to realize that I want to keep it off, and also tone my body all at the same time...that takes time! I'm not trying to underestimate myself here, I just want to be reason with my own expectations, that way if I do plateau again, I won't get discouraged. Yesterday I ate so much food, and I think it's because I'm consistently eating less and less, and then I'll binge for a day-not a great habit, ever. I ate about two giant bowls of Chinese rice porridge, a huge foot-long sandwich, about five small plates of sushi, and ended the night with Japanese chocolate mushrooms and an almond cookie...all in all, a ridiculous amount of food, period. I feel kind of disgusted today thinking about how much I ate yesterday. And to top it all off, I didn't even workout yesterday! So today going to the gym, I'm going to do my normal strength training, and cardio, thinking about how delicious that food was yesterday, and if I want to enjoy meals like that all the time, then I have to work my butt off unless I plan to gain back all the weight I've worked so hard to lose. I really don't want to limit myself to certain foods, because I think that restriction is the number one reason why I failed at losing weight so many times in the past. Instead, I'm going to plan out meals, but realize that if I stray here and there, it's okay, but not to go nuts and change everything on the menu. My mind and my body constantly want different things. Instead of forcing a diet, I want it to come naturally. I want to consider food fuel for my body instead of comfort for my mind. That's what it should be anyway...it's training both my mind and body to work together that will be the hard part. 

I'm sorry if this post was a bit wishy washy. I wrote it in two different sittings!

And now music time:

"Steal My Sunshine" by Len

Love and all that,

l

Running On Sunshine

I feel terrific! I haven't felt this way in quite some time either. It's been an amazing day. I had a slight blowout at one point, but I worked it out, and feel 10 times better from the start of the day. It was a slow day, but it progressively became more enjoyable. I completed some household chores, I ate some delicious breakfast food mid-day, I had a sob fest with my brother (more like near my brother), worked out, and then made an apron from a pillowcase! It turned out great too, though I suppose I am a bit biased. It is now three in the morning and I'm exhausted, looking forward to a great day tomorrow with Kristen, Lindsay, and hopefully Jessi too!

On a side note, I am just over 25% to reaching my goal. I mapped out how many pounds I would like to lose each month I would like to lose, and I'm so excited, because I think that it's definitely achievable, given that I continue to eat smaller proportions, work out, and I have seriously gained will power in the midnight snacking department. I so much wanted an ice cream cone today, and I resisted. I also wanted to eat more of this delicious sandwich once I got home (just about 30 minutes ago) and I once again exerted excessive will power. I've got to be honest, I'm so proud of myself :D


I don't know if any of y'all watch Grey's Anatomy, but last night the much anticipated music event aired, and it was wonderful. Please enjoy:

Love and all that, 

l