Get it Girrrlll

I'm constantly judging and making fun of my brother for having these philosophical revelations, daily I might add, and I ended up having one today. I was thinking about how short our life is...we never really know how long we have. I've been wasting so many of my days not doing anything..just sitting here waiting for things to happen to me. I've never really been a "do-er". I have to be more assertive. I need to feel more confident and comfortable though. I think that this whole working out slash losing weight thing will not only benefit me physically, but emotionally and socially as well. I have noticed myself growing more confident as of recent and I'm hoping that it will grow as I become more comfortable in my body. I just need to keep sticking to this diet and exercise plan. :)

I've just been thinking so much about how we are only children once, and that time never comes back around again...and these phases in our lives..all of them only come around once for us. We are born, go to school, work, move out, have kids, have kids who have kids..and then we die- and not always in that order. It just baffles me that this is the only time in my life when it will be socially acceptable to be jobless...and then once I have a job, I will be working for the rest of my life. Growing up I had a nice house, but it wasn't one that I invited my friends over to come see or show off. I'm never going to have that opportunity. As an adult, I'll have that opportunity, but it won't have the same meaning. I was never popular, and since clicks are out at the workplace (supposedly) I won't ever be the one who's adored most. Those ships have sailed past me. I just am realizing that I cannot take anything for granted anymore. I have my bad days, and sometimes they're filled with regret, but I think that as I continue to grow older and wise, I am accepting that my life is good, and that I don't want to waste moments being sad or mad or generally feeling down. I need to be happier and feel good. Because all of the moments that I'm not pursuing something to make me a better person, are wasted moments that I could've been happy if I hadn't been sitting around waiting for stuff to happen.

"With Every Beat Of My Heart" by Taylor Dayne

Slow, Like This

I've had a great workout the past couple of days! I feel great, now that I'm working out regularly! I'm slowly losing weight and I know that this is the right way for me. I'm still enjoying all of the foods that I want to eat, and I'm losing weight and gaining muscle. I have been trying to cut back on certain foods, but it seems impossible sometimes. I end up binging for days, sometimes weeks and clearly that is not a healthy choice. I have since decided that I can lose another 10 pounds in addition to what I originally planned. I am now a quarter of the way  to reaching my end goal! I'm really aiming for the end of this year to have the weight shed. I'm very concerned as to what my skin will look like if I keep the weight on any longer than past the age of 25...so I'm hoping that it will still have it's elasticity so that I don't have saggy skin. I'm really worried about that since I'm losing a significant amount of weight. I've been looking up tips, but if anybody has any suggestions, I would appreciate them!

"Crazy" by Seal

Love and all that,

l

700 calories today! I exercised on the elliptical and reach 700 calories, something that used to come so easy, but as of recent hasn't been reached...until today :) It felt great to exercise for more than 30 minutes too. I am once again getting pumped up and excited for being this motivated and this accomplished. It's just so difficult figuring out portion control. I'm eating so much, but I'm doing a lot of strength training and cardio. I think that it'll have to be about eating the right foods and then I'll have to focus on portion control in a month or so. I need to eat more chicken breast, salad, and fruits throughout the day and in 5 small meals. Because I've been out of work, I have been grazing quite frequently as well, which obviously doesn't help when I'm trying to track how much I'm eating throughout the day. Phew! Anyway, as long as I'm not gaining weight, I'll be content. If I'm losing weight, I'll be happy. And once the weight is gone, I'll be so ecstatic! 

I might've already posted this song, but mmmm it's so good 

"I Love You Always Forever" by Donna Lewis

Love and all that,

l

Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows

I just threw away three days of hard work by consuming a handful of chocolate. It was so delicious. I was thinking about how I hadn't eaten chocolate in a few days, and well, I just ate a few days worth in an entire sitting..at 9:00 at night. I suppose this gives me a good reason to really put 100% in tomorrow at the gym. I had an okay workout today. 50 minutes of cardio, and a few sets of crunches, which was an accomplishment. I also went on a walk today. The sunshine felt soooooo lovely. I went out with my Kristen and Lindsay and we tried to find as many flowers as possibly. Inevitably Lindsay found the small white and yellow weeds the most intriguing. I love how easily and simply children are pleased and impressed with the little things that we adults often fail to notice. Hmm, it makes me realize more and more how I need to appreciate every little fortune life has given to me. I miss my friend, truly. She was there for me when I needed a friend to just listen to me. She knew how to comfort me in ways that my other friends who I have known for over a decade did not. She was there for the utmost turning points in my life to this day. I miss her, and I'm sad that we cannot seem to figure out a way to resolve our issue. Whenever I was feeling down, she would always try to cheer me up by singing this song.

"Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows" by Lesley Gore

Wherever y'all are in the world, I hope that you have a little sunshine in your life :)

Love and all that,
l

Little Black Dress

I've been trying to clean out my room for a few months and it has become quite the task. I've gone through drawers of clothing that I no longer fit in. Perfectly new t-shirts and jeans and dresses, and everything. I cannot believe how much clothing I have that I don't fit in, and also don't feel comfortable enough to wear. I'm going to hang up a dress that I've been wanting to wear for about 3 years. I haven't been able to fit in it, and I'd love to be able to wear it this winter. I think that summer would be too soon, fall might still be too soon. I'm trying to fit into a dress that hasn't been worn in three years..to shed that weight too quickly would be unhealthy. I'm setting my sights on winter. I'm sure there will be some event (birthday, Christmas, something holiday related) to wear this to :). There are definitely some other pieces that I'm looking forward to wearing again.

"Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

Love and all that,
l

Stop. Look. Listen

Okay, I know this is a promise I have been making for a long time. I may have felt it was possible before. I'm finally realizing that I know it's possible and that I'm going to make it happen. I've always said that I'm the only one who can lose the weight that needs to be shed on my body, and dang it! I was not listening to myself. I am the only one who can put the work into getting the results I want to see, my parents want to see, maybe even my friends want to see. I really needed to reassess what it is that I'm looking to accomplish in this journey. I'm tired of being told that I can eat this or that, and not other things. It really is my life, and I'm going to make my own decisions. But, I cannot just eat something out of spite for my parents. I will eat whatever it is that I choose, but I have to reasonable, for my own sake. From this day forward, I vow to start focusing and putting all of my energy into getting in good workouts, eating the right foods and in the right proportions. I have to allow myself to eat bad foods every once in awhile. I realized that when I deprive my mind from eating comfort foods like pizza or ice cream or candy or chips at least once a week, I will binge for days. And the whole point of me losing weight is to better my body and my life. I know that I can lose weight by only drinking fruit juice and eating salad..but I can't imagine doing that for the rest of my life. I want to be able to keep the weight off for years to come. I want to know that I can lose weight eating foods that make me happy and taste good. (Who wants to be miserable while losing weight?-It just doesn't seem worth it to me.) Anywho.. later today I'm going to the gym. I haven't been in days..actually a week to be exact. That is the longest time since I began working out that I haven't been to the gym. I'm nervous to see how it has affected my routine, especially since I haven't been eating as healthy as I should have been to compensate for the lack of exercise, let alone- in general.


Hope today goes great though, and I hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekend!

I was feeling a little nostalgic, just trying to gather myself and recollect my thoughts.

"Closing Time" by Semisonic

Love and all that,
l

That's Just The Way It Is

I went to the gym on Monday and took a Zumba class for the first time.. Woooheee, it was intense! It is such a fast paced routine, that I wasn't paying much attention to my posture..and after all of the lunges and squats, I hurt my knees, badly. They were so sore yesterday, I could barely walk up and down the stairs in my house. Today I'm feeling much better, thankfully. I'm not planning on going to the gym today, just to be sure that I don't mess up my knees for life. I spent some time with my friend Kristen and her daughter Lindsay today. Lindsay is a little over 3 years old and just a gem. She's such a precious little thing and I absolutely adore her. It was nice to catch up and just hang out with an old friend.

I've been going through a rough patch lately and though my friends have been supportive, it's hard because none of them are actually here. I recently ended a friendship, and I'm not taking it very well. It's similar to ending a romantic relationship. I keep going back and forth trying to figure out whether or not I made the right decision. My friend, K, has been a roller coaster of a friend. Sometimes she was truly there for me, and other times she was practically a stranger. I realized though that our friendship was dwindling. It was going in circles, and we weren't seeing eye to eye. Two weeks ago was the last time we conversed. She told me that she was pregnant, and my first reaction was that it was a lie. What kind of a friend reacts that way? A bad friend? A friend who knows her friend so well that she was actually right? I will never know whether or not she is pregnant because after she skyped me that night, she signed off and didn't return my phone calls. After a week of calling and not hearing back from her, I decided that it was best that I disconnect myself from that relationship and move on. Lo and behold, she called me the next day. I didn't have words and I didn't take her phone calls or respond to her instant messages. She in turn txted me back about a week later saying that she was tired of our passive aggressive bulls**t and that she assumed we weren't talking anymore. I so deeply wanted to respond saying that it wasn't my intention to be passive aggressive. But I realized that it obviously was her intention because she was apologizing for it. The text was also so hostile (and passive aggressive in itself) and I think that if anybody wanted to talk to me, they wouldn't be rude about it. I don't need a "friend" treating me that way, trying to make me feel guilty for something that I'm not even positive I did in the first place. So that is the end of it. She hasn't tried to contact me, and she has since blocked me on skype.

On another note.
I have once again become sidetracked with my goal. I want to lose weight. I want to be lean, or at least leaner than I am now. I would like to weigh as much as I did in high school. This goal has been such a journey to reach and I haven't even gotten halfway there yet..or even a quarter of the way! I keep falling into these traps. I've been eating horribly. I haven't been exercising as much lately, although I've been pushing myself harder. I need to stay focused. The big picture: I want to wear all of these wonderful clothes that I haven't been able to fit into in years! I want to buy new clothes and dress more sexy/mature. I want to feel good in anything I walk out the door in. So, I have to keep telling myself that this is going to be worth it. I also just realized that I actually am about a quarter of the way to reaching my goal! That's amazing! I had no idea. Okay, wow, definitely going to be using that as motivation! (As I pop and Andes chocolate mint into my mouth....)

Okay, appropriate for tonight:

"Changes" by Tupac

Love Will Save The Day

I had a rough day...I got rejected from yet another job due to "lack of experience". What's most frustrating is that I think I am qualified for so many positions, even those that seem to be the easiest to do. I recently applied at the zoo for an admissions position. Today I learned that the reason why I was rejected was because I didn't have any experience using a cash register. I would think that would be something to easily train for. Honestly, I wanted that job so badly too. I thought that I would get it because my aunt works for the hiring committee too. I wasn't banking on it, just extremely hopeful. I was so emotional that I started crying when I found out. I didn't even realize that I wanted it that badly, but I think that this job searching is really taking a toll on me. I was holding my baby cousin when I found out and she just looked at me, and saw the tears running down my face. She gently touched my cheek and then hugged me. That was all I needed. Sometimes I can't help but weigh my whole future on one job application, just to be let down. But, I know that it's not the end of the world. I've got to pick myself back up and keep looking. 

I noticed that my booty muscles were so, so sore today, which indicates that I have a great workout yesterday haha. So woot, woot! I have been noticing that my body is becoming leaner. I've lost about 1/2 and inch on each of my calves, about an inch on my thighs, and almost 2 inches on my stomach. Sometimes, it depends on when I measure myself though. I try to always measure in the morning, that way my measurements are most accurate. I'm very thrilled that I'm starting to see results! My pants fit a little bit looser, and soon hopefully everything will be fitting a little less snug as well. I've been terrible lately with my diet. I've eaten massive quantities of homemade mac and cheese twice this week! Tomorrow is chicken and salad-very healthy. I've got to stop this binging though. I really don't know how to control my portion controls. I think that a good rule to live by is to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full, but since I'm trying to lose weight, I'm wondering if that's so smart. I'll just have to play it by ear. As long as I'm still making progress, then I'm not going to over think it too much. Anywho.....

I've chosen....drum roll.........................

"You Gotta Be" by Des'ree

Love and all that,

l

Day 1: Success!

Today was...well it started off as a great day. I got about 11 hours of sleep which was oh so nice. I woke up and made a delicious breakfast: Fried eggs, toast, hash browns, and sausage. Oh let me tell you it was sooo delicious. I might have to make that again tomorrow, but in lesser proportions. I'm really trying to limit my bad eating habits. Although I'm very conscious of what I eat, I still haven't got the will power to stop myself sometimes. Because I had such a late breakfast, I didn't eat again until after I went to the gym. Today's workout wasn't that great. I burned 470 on the elliptical and another 100 on the bike. I also did some strength training, so I think that might've been why I couldn't push myself any more. My legs have been killing me the past few days. I can tell they are getting stronger and bulking up which is cool. However, I still want to improve my endurance. Since I've started babysitting, I haven't been able to go to the gym as often. I'm slowly getting back into the groove of things. I'm at about 45-50 minutes of cardio per day. I would like to hit 700 calories burned though..so that takes about an hour. Anyway..I'm working on a bunch of things. In addition. I would like to stop getting upset over petty things. More importantly though, I would like to stop acting on those things that aggravate me. I've been so lonely and down lately that I find myself arguing with people for no reason, mostly my family. I'm just incredibly sick of feeling like no one is one my side. Every day I receive criticism for a bunch of different things...like my weight/what I'm eating...things I'm doing wrong around the house. I'm just sick of it. I'm also waiting for my graduation gift. My mom keeps mentioning it and I really want it, not for the material aspect, but it would really mean a lot to commemorate my graduating. My parents aren't big on special occasions, but this one would really mean a lot to me...and the fact that they keep bringing it up makes it even worse. I don't know..sometimes I think that people feel that because things are so obvious, they're not even worth mentioning. Yeah..not the same thing with monumental moments in life..and even the least sentimental. I appreciate when people tell me that they love me. I think that even if it is somewhat of an overstatement (when said in such a casual/passing manner) I am one of those who thinks that it's just as important to acknowledge. I also need people to recognize and acknowledge when I do something for them. I would do anything, in return for nothing as long as the recipient is appreciative...ugh sorry for the rant. This evening was particularly difficult. My family really knows how to dig at every one of my nerves...and I snapped today. So thank you all for reading. 

"Moon and Moon" by Bat For Lashes

Love and all that,

l

The Last Supper

So.....I've decided to give up sweets until Easter. I don't normally commemorate Lent, but I'm going to do this for myself and see if I can make it through this. It will be a great test of my will power. So I'm going to be cutting out the following, but not limited to:

cookies
candy
soda pop
ice cream
all dessert
juice, unless it's all natural fruit juice


46 days to go :)

I also ate a lot of great food today. I had mac and cheese, baked with panko bread crumbs. mmmmmm....Tomorrow is my last day to splurge on food. I decided I needed to give myself one more day. I've calculated how long it will take for me to reach my goal weight: about 7 months. My goal is by my 24th birthday. So..... I'm pretty excited about that. I'm hoping that I can stick with it..but it will give me a lot of time tone up for the wedding as well...is what I'm thinking. But I'm thinking about dress fittings and I want to be down to a size 8 for the dress fittings.I want to be slim and sleek and hott haha. Hopefully I'll have a date for the wedding, but if not, then I hope I can meet someone hehe


Anyway song:

"The Funeral" by Band of Horses

Love and all that,
l

Wiggida Wiggida Wack

So..........I think  that I have been losing sight of the big picture. I am striving to lose the weight by my cousin's wedding which is next June. However, I keep thinking in terms of the baby steps. Though this is good, is also is counterproductive because if I don't meet one of my little benchmarks, I have a tendency to brush it off and think 'well, I can also try to meet it next week'...and then before I know it, next June will come around and I'll have stayed the same weight. So...I need to get back on track. I did lose a pound this week which is awesome. I have tried to minimize my hunger cravings..however I'm hoping to take it even further. I've been trying to come up with healthy alternatives..I also am excited because next week is my last week that I will be missing the gym as often as I have for the past two weeks. Woot! I'm excited to get back into the gym every day. I'm also hoping that I hear back from some of the jobs that I have applied for. Fingers crossed!


I also forgot that I was going to share one of my favorite songs, well currently, with y'all. If you read this then perhaps you could've guessed what today's song is:

"E.T." by Katy Perry featuring Kanye West :) Enjoy

Love and all that,
l

A Little Hiccup

So.....I haven't been blogging because I haven't been going to the gym lately. I went on Tuesday, but didn't get in that great of a workout. I did push myself though. I averaged about 13.5 calories per minute which is awesome. Usually I average about 11.5-12 or so. But honestly the reason why I quit the elliptical early was because this woman next to me farted 3 times throughout my workout! It was awful....and my friend brought up a good point. How does one fart and exercise at the same time?! baffling...Anyway, so I decided to go down to the room with the bikes for spin class and guess who was in there!? Cute Guy haha. Though, I have to admit he wasn't as cute as I remembered him...still great to look at haha.  That was a nice surprise! So...anyway, I'm hoping to get into the gym on Saturday and Sunday, but it looks like I'm going to be busy tomorrow and Friday :( I hate not going, but it does push me to work even harder on the days that I do go. Eating habits have gone downhill lately too. However, I have been eating more balanced meals throughout the entire day, as opposed to just the evening time. But, the sweets have been rolling in unfortunately. I must stop! I'm going to limit them to just weekends. I really am! That will make a huge difference; I just know it :)



Okay, enough of that.

Hopefully that's a good version slash I hope that I haven't put this up before. "Trying To Pull Myself Away" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. Such and uplifting song. I love it. It's definitely one of my top 100 songs, maybe even top 10 haha. 

Love and all that,

l